Crystal Shards
by Saz
Summary: Heero POV Songfic: Whilst watching the rain, Heero decides to rekindle a decision he made long ago. (reference's to Blind Target)


Crystal Shards

Crystal Shards 

"Iris" Performed by the 'Goo Goo Dolls'.

Songfic by Saz 

Disclaimer: Why do you continue to force this harsh unyielding reality on meeee!!?? I OWN NOTHING! Except a cat.

This is based around the kiss from Blind Target.It basically plays with the idea of what Heero was going to tell Relena right before he kisses her.I always like to think that he was going to tell her he loved her, but you never get to find out! -_-;;;

It's just: "Relena… I…" and I was peeved!!!So I made a little songfic about it! ^_^

Enjoy!

If you watch the sun long enough you'll see the fire within its venomous depths.Roaring blades of colour brandishing the horizon with elegant shades of crimson red.

If you watch the stars long enough you'll see an angel dart through the ancient speckled abyss.Willowy light skipping across eternity.It's ancient destiny finally bringing it here, never ending - just transforming as it dissolves into the atmosphere, becoming one with the greater being of the Earth.

If you look at the rain long enough you'll see crystal shards shattering in the moonlight, silver drops of heaven pounding the Earth into a tranquil harmony.

If you love a woman long enough, you'll see things; become things that no one had ever imagined possible.Want things you thought, for you, they were never intended.Dream things that make you sweat in the night, desire coursing through you like fire.

The beauty of what we are, and the beauty of what we have - the enchanted universe.Holds many secrets; secrets so hidden and so plainly visible that it's only open to innocent eyes.

If you're never able to look, if innocence was stolen from you like an ageing reflection, inescapable and so fast.You'll never have the eyes to see, forever could pass you by and your life; haunt you like a shadow that becomes your existence.

_My_ existence.

Before her.

**_And I'd give up forever to touch you_**

**_Cause you know that I feel you somehow_**

**_You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be_**

**_And I don't want to go home right now…_**

You're looking at me.I can feel it.Piercing crystal blue eyes on the back of my head and I don't want to turn around.Don't want to turn to see the pain I know you're feeling.The pain the world and I are causing by just being here.She doesn't realise but her feelings wear away at me everyday, her friendly demeanour only an echo of her true self, chides at my soul.

"Heero, are you going to just stand there staring at the rain all night?" 

I reluctantly pivot to see her features twisted in concern.

Concern for me. 

Just her slightest gesture can make my throat clench and heart race.Outwardly, I keep up the façade, my apathetic trademark admonishing her for her question.Dubbed by Duo as the 'Yuy Glare of Death'.

She returns to her work, I can see her amusement at my attempt to scold her.How does she do that?See right through me as if I was a sheet of glass.No one has ever seen me before, no one can ever see the _real_ me.

Except her.

"The peace it brings - the loneliness. It reminds me of you."

I hold my breath, waiting for the gasp of shock, the glass she is holding to shatter to the ground, like those crystal shards of heaven shattering in the moonlight.The rain reminds me of her.Tranquil, beautiful, lonely.

Her eyes soften as she whispers my name.She breathes the word in a way, that makes me feel like a real man, like any normal fool, any normal fool in love, addicted to her hopelessly.

"Do you ever think about it Relena?" 

_ _

"Think about what?" 

_ _

"The loneliness you face.The end of another day alone."

Her eyes had again, locked into mine.Prying away the barriers to my soul, she could have me now.I am so weary of the path ahead of me the path my life will take, that a well placed word escaping her lips could bring me to my knees.To touch her hair, her face, her hands. If I don't touch her soon I think I'll die.My hopes of reclaimed humanity could be quashed by her smallest whim.I'm enslaved by my emotions.I have always been.

"I try not to.If I dwell on it too much I begin to doubt myself.I've been alone for as long as I can remember Heero."

She hesitates… she wants to say something… more.

"I know you suffer the same."

She knows me inside out, when we were fifth-teen I tried so hard to block her out of my heart; out of my soul, but she didn't need my admission, she could see me all the same.My traitorous eyes, telling her my story of a life filled with regret.She knows me too well.

How could she not?

"I don't have the expectations of the world on my shoulders. I don't envy the weight that you bare.But you're right, I do suffer the same."

She drops the pen delicately onto the numerous documents that eat her time like her position eats away at her heart.I can see the tired expression on her face, I see it in her movements.Her graceful posture, sparkling eyes and austere beliefs withered into almost nothingness as she smiles at me.

I make a decision. 

So familiar…

I've made it before. 

_ _

**_~flashback~_**

She was leaving, she walked past me and I say nothing, her shoulder brushes on mine and it almost drives me crazy.She's leaving and I am wracked with regret. Why didn't I do it? I should have said something; **_done_ **something…

I grabbed her wrist and pulled her back, incoherent thoughts articulated unwillingly as I pull her closer, shock evident on her face as an eloquent gasp escapes her lips.I close my fingers around her clasped hand. Finally, through shaking breath our lips met. Chaste was our first kiss. Chaste our whole lives, until this moment.

**_~end flashback~_**

**_And all I can taste is this moment_**

**_And all I can breathe is your life_**

**_And sooner or later it's over_**

**_I just don't want to miss you tonight…_**

**_ _**

She stands, shuffling papers neatly, but in fact they aren't in any particular order.Just scraped together in a billowing mass of printed sheets – greyed with age.My lips twitch into an indistinguishable smile.But she sees it and in mock sarcasm, reciprocates.

She can always see me.From her gaze I can't hide.

Her eyes are now trained on my solid and unwavering stance.Regal in appearance, angelic in spirit as she walks towards me.

I have made a decision.

I have made it before.

I will make it again.

She stops a metre away from me, the proximity is maddening. I could reach her now.I could pull her towards me, free myself from this zealous desire.But her innocence smiles at me girlishly as I stare at her intently.She's all the innocence I have ever needed.She _was_ the child that peace rested upon.But now she was a woman, and I had never been blind to her femininity, making me realise just how human, no one believed, I was.

I can feel her hand grasp mine, I combat the reflex to pull away.Her hand sends a heady flash, through my body as I look down to see our two hands intertwined.

"Some of us have to pay the price for peace. It's an injustice I have to accept.Unfairness I have to live by.But you, Heero you don't have to be here."

How could she think I would just walk away?Doesn't she realise that I…

"Relena…" 

I feel her fingers tighten on my hand, pleading…

"You fought for this peaceful world.You deserve to live in it, you shouldn't have to continue fighting.This is my battlefield now."

Despair fraught in her mind.Evident in her eyes.Embellished by fake smiles and gestures.

She's become so like me.In her eyes, it's almost a reflection.

The only person who could ever know me, who could ever accept me,

My faults.

I may have been the perfect soldier.

But I'm not the perfect man.

Disguise is my way of life, and it had become hers too.

**_ _**

**_And I don't want the world to see me_**

**_Cause I don't think that they'd understand_**

**_When everything's made to be broken_**

**_I just want you to know who I am…_**

**_ _**

"It's my job to protect you Relena.I promised you this."

She sigh's releasing my hand, that I deftly reach back for. Bringing it to the soft skin of her face.Unexpected and bittersweet, she kisses my palm.

"You deserve better than this existence Heero.You're the only reason we're all here now."

I shake my head, memories of Libra's destruction course thickly through my mind threatening to reclaim my partial normality.The WingZERO and my days of piloting were over.Thinking of the past only brought out the shadows of myself, old eyes, innocent pleasures lost on him.The old Heero Yuy.

Stoic.

Merciless.

Hateful.

Loveless.

"The only reason I was able do it was because I knew I had somewhere to go, something to live for."

Her expression was so agonized, and full of wonderment all at once.She knew and didn't know at the same time, whether or not I was talking about her.

"Heero…" 

Her voice ached with the force of subdued tears.

"Do you want me to leave, Relena?" 

I hang on her response.The next word out of her mouth could bring the fragile crystal shards of my soul into a bloody pulp.

But if she _truly_ wanted me to go.

I'd go.

"You have to leavesometime Heero.It's the only way you'll be free of this."

_ _

I see the pain in her eyes as the word tumble from her mouth.Her heart was bleeding, her soul crying.

**_ _**

**_And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming_**

**_Or the moment of truth in your lies_**

**_When everything feels like the movies_**

**_And you bleed just to know you're alive…_**

**_ _**

Freedom. 

The only freedom I ever felt was when the war ended.I was free of the relentless missions and torturous training that it's horror's I swore I'd never reveal to her.

I'd wear this mask until the day I died or the day I fear most; the day she'll stop loving me.Would that ever happen?

"Relena, I can't leave… because…" 

She looks up, her breath catching in her throat, as if she had been waiting for this. 

My words cascade in my mind, refusing to accentuate my feelings.

If I could just say those words, those words that play in my mind, rattle my composure, I could have true freedom.

I could hide from the world outside, but never from her.

She can see me.See the crystal shards of my soul.

I lean towards her, whispering words, that are not unwilling, and she'll know.

I won't leave here.

And she'll never ask me to again.

"Relena… I…" 

I have made a decision.

I have made it before.

I made it again.

Freedom.

** **

**_And I don't want the world to see me_**

**_Cause I don't think that they'd understand_**

**_When everything's made to be broken_**

**_I just want you to know who I am…_**


End file.
